Kick ass? Don`t mind if I do....

Life`s good.

But sometimes; don`t you just want to put a rocket up someone`s arse?

Here are today`s nominations. Feel free to add yours:

1) Hospital sends me an appointment. Call them to say I`m away; can`t make it. OK, they say, we`ll send you another one in the post. Hang on, I tell them. I`m on the phone, now, with my diary. Shall we do it right now...*just in case* the next date you send me is a bit dodgy, too? Can`t do that, they say. The diary`s in the other department. Give me the dates you`re free and we`ll call you back.

I wait a week.

No call.

I call again today. They`ve allocated me a date, which... I can`t make. I suggest, with open diary, that we try again for the following week? Can`t do that, she says.I`ve got the diary here, but `they` haven`t written in any of the appointments for those days yet.

They`ll call me.

Yeh.

Moral of that story? Don`t ever say you`ll ring me, then don`t. It`s not professional. And it`s not nice.

2) It`s 11.50, at a riverside eaterie in London. View of Tower Bridge, Gherkin; etc.

I haven`t eaten, so would like one of their breakfasts. No gherkins, though, ta. Available till 12, see. But daughter`s ready for lunch. Served *from* 12. Slightly different menu. I order my scrambled eggs on toast, with juice, and coffee. (It`s now 11.53).

Daughter attempts to order snack from lunch menu. We`re told she `can`t do that`...because it`s not 12 o` clock yet. Ah yes, we observe. But it will be, in six minutes. Lady behind bar shakes her head, and asks us to pop back at 12.We should`ve legged it. But hungry, and short of time, and loving the view, we do it. Bonkers.

Moral of that story? Don`t be so sodding stupid. Bend your rules. Be welcoming. Nothing bad will happen.

3) Later that day.....standing in Trafalgar Square, in the sunshine: remembering the time, aged four, I had my picture taken with pigeons on my head, because my mum had bought me a tin of bird food from the pigeon man; and that`s what you did. Pose, quickly, before *anything happened* But it`s London 2012, early evening. Get approached by three lovely students from Westminster University. Hello, we`re doing something about the Olympics, and can we please film a little chat, they ask, about your thoughts?

Fabulous.I know what it`s like to be `out on a vox pop`...I have time to kill, lots of thoughts about the Olympics, and am happy to help. They start setting up their tripod thing and suddenly....three officious, uniformed security men approach them, and tell them they can`t film in the square. They explain it`s a Uni project, that they`ve already done some filming, and just need one more interview.They`re told that they don`t have the  right kind of permission,and so will have to leave.

Moral of that story? It would have taken four minutes.They weren`t in anyone`s way. It wasn`t going on Sky, ITV or the BBC. It was a *University Project* . Get that? Turn a blind eye. Go and watch the world go by. If you treat local students like that, how welcoming are you going to be to this summer`s army of tourists? And ps. Hope a pigeon poops on your peaked cap. All three of you. Just saying.

There. Sorry about that but it`s off my chest now.

Have a nice day.